Lifetimes Spent Loving You
by KaiaLuna
Summary: She'd found eternal love and when she lost it, swore away her soul to lifetimes of searching. She would find him again, would have her eternal love, no matter the cost.


_The sky was still grey with predawn light as she snuck to the barn and rode out to find the witch._

 _"Hello?" She called._

 _"Good morning."_

 _"I'm looking for the Witch Amalie?"_

 _"Are you sure you wish to find me?"_

 _She took a breath to steady her nerves and dismounted from the horse. "Please, I need your help."_

 _Turning back to her, the lavender eyed woman nodded, "I know why you've come child but I must warn you, magic comes at a cost be sure you are willing to pay it."_

 _She clenched her jaw and lifted her chin to meet the witches eyes before nodding._

 _"Come then. We'll have some tea and I will work your will."_

 _"Thank you." She breathed in relief, sniffling a little as she followed into the cottage._

I woke with a start; the ever-changing dreams haunting me were so strange, everyone was in shadow and mist so I could almost recognize them but didn't. Nightmares were not new, not since, _he_ and his family had left. Not since Victoria. The vampire was staring from the corner of the room again, a statue. We were quite the pair, the broken human and the shattered vampire, companions travelling a dark world together.

I got up and went to the bathroom of the motel to shower and get dressed, my human moments, Victoria didn't move until I was standing at the door, ready to leave. Then the living, depending on your definition of living, but so long as a heart beat wasn't within yours then yes, the living statue finally moved, faster than the eye could see, out the door ahead of me. Both our bags stored into the car and settled into the drivers seat. At a much slower pace, I followed and climbed in after her. The setting sun bringing the quiet comfort of night, my existence now was night, something Victoria accepted without question. I slept through the afternoons, the time when life was at its busiest, when pain of all that could have or should have been for me was a constant reminder of only pain and death. I settled against the door and studied Victoria thinking back to the day we had first spoken to each other.

I had been sitting in the dark kitchen of my home when I felt the chill of the vampire, "Why don't you kill me?" There was no fear in my voice, no emotion at all, I was drained of emotion and did not care one way or another that soon I would be drained of my very life as well.

"I'd rather cause you suffering first."

"You're going to torture me." My words caught a little at that, as my heart stuttered, pain was something I still reacted to, at least, physical pain.

"Physical torture is messy, psychological games are oh so much more scarring."

"My pain wont hurt them." I wasn't sure I had anything left to break anyways.

"Pity." She snorted, "So much time wasted."

"I'm sorry."

Victoria simply stared at me for a long while. "You are, aren't you?"

I nodded, tears burning my eyes, and begged, "Kill me."

"No. If I have to live on without my James, then you my sweet, will live as well, simply for being a player in the game. This way, I see you suffer as well. Besides, the old adage is true, misery loves company." She chuckled mirthlessly.

"So what then?"

Her tone softened then, and for a moment I saw her humanity, "You are still human Bella, change is in your nature, you can still go on with your life, you can still heal."

"I feel like my soul has been shredded, a hole punched into my chest and my heart gone. I feel like, I feel…" My voice trailed off, breathing difficult around the jagged edges of my chest.

Victoria tilted her head in thought, "You mate like a vampire but the bond wasn't mated." I just looked at her, frowning in confusion. "Mate bonds are very special." I nodded, of course they were special, true love is very special. "My mate wouldn't have hunted a bonded mate Bella. Your tie to Edward was of possession, perhaps of love," She conceded the last gently, "But not of a mate." She closed her eyes an expression of pain on her face, "It's the one rule James would never have broken. It was his rule. Never get between mates. We've crossed paths with only one vampire with a human mate. She was only thirteen and he was waiting until she was older to change her. He guarded her very carefully. The tenor of his mind, the tone of his emotions, the color of his soul was all bound to hers in a way that read through James's gift. He could track anyone from those things. He, he'd get a feel for a person, I don't know how to explain it but the tie to a mate was always there, human or vampire. A true mate bond, even the weaker in the weaker form of a human wasn't something he severed. It was his only rule. I should have known, should have seen but I was so blind by the pain." Bella could see the venom coating her eyes, tears she could not shed, the pain forever locked within her. "Even after they left you, it was all I could do to dull the pain, to hunt you. He wouldn't have broken that rule. You aren't the boys mate."

The pain within me didn't get better or worse as I listened, I wasn't numb, just so consumed with the pain that I couldn't feel more. We sat in silence for a long time, the grey light in the kitchen darkening as we sat until the room had gone from shadows to the dark of full night.

"What now?" I asked her again.

"Now?" It was almost a question but she took a breath and her eyes met mine, "Now we leave this town to the wolves and seek not to return, now we'll go where the memories don't haunt quite so thoroughly."

"Is there a place the memories wont follow?"

"No." She conceded, "But we can try to out run them long enough to heal."

"Can you?"

Sad eyes met haunted ones, "It's a misconception that vampires can only mate once. It's rare to find a true mate, some don't but they'll fall in love and share their lives at least for a time. James was my everything, he was my soul mate, I was one of the lucky. Perhaps in the centuries to come, I'll find my James again."

"You mean like reincarnation?"

She shrugged, "James believed it." Venom coated her eyes again, "Now that's all I have, I have to believe it."

Victoria helped me pack and then she set the house on fire. We were deep in the woods before the flames caught. The wolves caught up with us, stopping just across a small river, we stared at each other a while, them on one side and Victoria and I on the other. I could see suffering and understanding in Sam's eyes as they met mine and he nodded. Whatever the future would bring for them, I wished them happiness, I held no malice for what had been, and though we would never be friends I was sorry to know that if we ever met again it would be as enemies. I sought, as Victoria said, never to return, so I supposed this was goodbye not as friends or enemies but people who had shared pain.

Victoria had taken us to Port Angeles where we took a ferry into Canada and from there, we haven't stopped for long, not in nearly three years.

"What are you thinking about?" Victoria broke the silence of the darkened car.

"Forks."

"Your father?"

Tears stung my eyes but like her venom would not fall. "He shouldn't have died."

She said nothing, just nodded.

We pulled into a diner and parked. It was old routine now. We'd both order coffee and something 'to share' which I would eat. While we waited my thoughts wandered to Charlie. My father had loved me so much.

He'd gone out to talk to Jake, trying to help, to fix things because I was breaking again. He fought with Billy about it and then, confronted Jake as he came out of the woods with Sam, Paul, Jared and Embry. New wolves are volatile and whatever was said, he phased, Charlie grabbed his gun, backing away, he tripped and his gun went off. That was about the time I arrived. Charlie had accidentally shot Jared. Embry phased the moment the gun went off and Paul a moment later with Jared's pained cry. I ran to my father. He was bleeding so badly. They told the police it was a bear attack. It was an accident, only an accident. I sat there, crying, holding my father until they took him away. Charlie had several deep claw marks on his arms and torso but the thing that had killed him was the blow he took to the head when he fell, the jagged corner of a rock hitting his temple.

I had just returned from his funeral and sat in my kitchen when Victoria had come for me. It wasn't their fault but I couldn't look at Jacob or even Billy. If things had been done differently, if, but there is no point to if, we all could have done something different in hindsight. It was an accident, a horrible, scarring accident.

After coffee and a 'shared' muffin, Vicky and I left the diner, we stopped at a truck stop, so she could feed, it didn't bother me much anymore, it was the circle of life, the shark fed from the seal that fed from the fish that fed from the whatever fish ate. I was a seal and Vic was shark, I ate burgers and she drank vagrants. Life, death, nourishment, another day passing, such was existence and for me, there was always something missing always my heart aching.

We drove all night, no destination in mind; we would drive until we felt like stopping a while, a few weeks or months at a time. Lately though, I'd just been so tired, too tired.

"I think you should see a doctor." Victoria told me as we stopped for me to eat again, the sun just beginning to lighten the sky.

"It's just a bad day Vic, I've had them before."

"You've had them a lot lately Bell."

I shrugged, "That time of year again."

Victoria persisted though and I was too tired to argue so I agreed, and she led us back to the car. I drifted as she drove, the strange dreams haunting me, blurring with the memories.

I started awake, my whole body ached and my eyes felt hot though as usual I felt cold and shivered.

"Where are we?"

Victoria shrugged, "Some small town big enough to have a hospital." She nodded towards the building we were parked near.

"I'm fine Vic."

"If you think I'm going to let you off easy by letting you get sick and die you're wrong now get your ass inside or I'll carry you in."

I sighed but got out. I fell three feet from the car. I never hit the damp cement. Instead, Victoria caught me and supporting me from the side, so it didn't look so odd, she helped me inside.

Hours later I was told quite simply, I was dying, sorry, nothing to be done.

Victoria and I said nothing as we got back in the car. They'd offered treatment, ways of prolonging things. Ways that would make me feel as sick as I apparently was.

We spent the day driving, as though putting distance between us and that hospital would make it somehow untrue. That night she stopped at a hotel, a nice one, something we never really did.

She washed my hair and ordered me too much food, which I barely touched, she even rented a movie and then pulled all the booze out of the mini bar and poured me a stiff drink.

"Are you going to change me?" I asked her, almost numb to the idea of existing with her in this half-life forever.

She shook her head and I titled mine in thought, surprised by this. "Why?"

Her eyes met mine, "Misery might love company but I've come to actually care about you these past years."

"Me too Vic."

"Do you miss him?"'

"Edward?" It was the first I'd spoken his name. I felt oddly numb, why didn't it hurt so much now? She nodded and then waited, still and silent, while I thought a long time, "Yes," I frowned, "I don't love him or hate him now though." I'd felt both at times over the last few years.

"The other Cullen's?" She continued.

I nodded, tears stinging my eyes at the thought of them. "Very much."

"We could find them."

"Finally want your revenge?" We talked about it a few times, where her anger had gone, it was there sometimes, she'd fly into a rage fueled by such pain it was hard to believe she didn't hunt them down. Mostly though she was sad. We were both just sad.

She shook her head, "I hate them." The pain in her voice was replaced by anger in the repetition, "I hate them!" Her growl didn't scare me. The violence in her reminded us both we were still alive, when so often we felt nothing but numb. Her gaze moved to me and instantly turned sad again, "I don't understand. I can't understand."

It was something else we'd discussed before. I knew everything there was to know about James by this point and I knew, when she said he'd never sever the bond of a mate that it was as true as his love of a challenging hunt. So why was I near to broken as she was? What did Edward truly feel for me? Why did they kill James if I was a possession? Is there anything so cruel as what Victoria suffered in his death? For all the evil James brought to the world, this was the one line not even he crossed, but the Cullen's had. Why? Did they not know? Was I a game they grew bored with?

I had grown used to stillness and silence. We sat together as the hours passed, daylight filtering through the blinds. I drifted back to sleep for a while and when I woke shadows again filled the room. Silence remained as we cleared out of the room and climbed back into the car.

"I'll miss you." Victoria broke the quiet several hours later.

"Will you go after them then?"

"You aren't the only thing stopping me from making them pay."

"I haven't answers for you Vic."

She nodded, "Do you want the ones they have for you?"

"For us both you mean."

She nodded again, "Yes for us both."

"Yes."

"Then we can find them."

"Do you want to find them?"

"I've always wanted the answers Bella. I just couldn't go for them."

"Why?"

"I want to hurt them, hurt them the way I've been hurt." I didn't ask her why she didn't. Why when she stopped hunting me she had given up her revenge. I thought I already knew the answer. I'd torn away her blind rage, now the idea of breaking James's one rule was something she couldn't do. I knew there was a piece to the puzzle I was missing. Several pieces of course, all of the questions around the Cullen's, but there was still a piece of James, I wondered if Victoria didn't know or why if she did she kept it from me, she kept nothing else.

At a few weeks away from twenty-one, I had spent more than two and a half years with her, in that time we'd come to know each other better than sisters.

"So what now?"

"Now we find them."

"Are you ready for that?"

"No."

"Then why find them?"

"You wont live long enough for me to be ready Bell, I don't know that I ever will be. It's time for you to have your answers." She turned her head to look at me, her eyes filling with venom, "I can't watch you die Bell. God or the Devil help me but I'm a selfish creature and I know I'd change you for not wanting to be alone but I care enough, my sister, to let you die. One day, we'll meet again, I can only hope both our lives are better then."

"I love you too Vic."

She nodded and turned her attention back to the road. I didn't ask her how we'd find them, I was fairly sure she'd always known where they were.

We found things to slow our progress to goodbye, stops we wanted to make, spots we'd shared happy memories over the last three years. It was when we moved North into Eastern Canada that I knew we were nearing them. We'd never been out this way before.

"Why didn't James separate mates Vic?"

I asked her one night, something inside me telling me it was the last we'd spend together. Her red eyes, a deep maroon tonight, despite having fed the one before, met mine. "He told me once." Her voice shook and she bit her bottom lip, closing her eyes in pain a moment. When her eyes opened to meet mine again, they were swimming with venom, but her voice as she continued was steady, "James told me once that in his early years as a vampire he came across the path of a woman unlike any human he'd ever known, she didn't ask why or beg for her life, she looked into his eyes, stepped towards him and simply said thank you. It haunted him. No meal haunted James but her eyes had spoken to him. He sought answers and found a woman whispered to be a witch. He said she was a very old woman that knew what he was when they met. She also knew why he'd come."

"What did she tell him?"

"She told him that one day, he'd meet a woman," Her voice cracked and she took another moment to collect herself, "She said one day he'd meet a woman and he'd understand, that one day, far into the future, he would meet me. She said it was something very rare to find a love that marks the soul through eternity but like the girl he'd killed, he would know that love."

"How did the man die? The one the girl loved?"

Victoria gave a sad smile, "The witch never told him."

"So he believed the woman whose eyes haunted him, had lost her true mate."

"Yes."

"Had she?"

"I don't know." Victoria shrugged. "I don't know that humans have true mates the way we do but if they do or if her mate had been a vampire, I can understand how she felt."

I drifted to sleep and when I woke, Victoria was gone.

She'd paid a month at the little inn. I wandered around the town, spending most of my time in a small bookstore café, nights I'd sit outside looking up at the stars or rereading old books. I was becoming so tired and weak, how long had I been losing strength? I wasn't sure, Victoria did the lifting while we were together so it could have come upon me slowly but lifting my arms to wash my hair was becoming exhausting. I supposed I could go to the two high schools in town and try to find the Cullen's but it seemed like too much work and even if I did, they might not have answers to give. I was a forgotten toy by now.

The front girl came to check on me after the third day I hadn't left my room. She took me to the emergency, I suppose it was where I should have started, Victoria would have brought me where I'd have help if needed and where I could find them, so it was only with a brief flicker of surprise that I registered Carlisle Cullen telling the nurse the other doctor was busy and he'd take up my case.

His eyes were filled with concern as he walked in my room, "Miss Swan."

"Dr. Cullen." I sent him a small smile.

"What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm dying." I didn't mean to be blunt but there was really no gentle way to say it. I knew he'd been surprised to see me but I never expected to really shock a vampire until I saw his eyes widen and his mouth fall slightly open. I smiled at him and whispered conspiratorially, "Human," I shrugged, "It happens."

"How, what?" He took a second to compose himself, "Bella." His hand ran through his blonde hair.

"Glioblastoma, brain tumors." He nodded slowly, his eyes coated with venom, his chest still as he forgot to be human, "You can't save me Carlisle, its ok, really, I'm not afraid."

"How long…"

"I haven't been sick long, they've given me a couple months, time they can extend with treatments but," I shrugged, "It's not much time for what the effects are so how long I've got is anyone's guess but I don't imagine it will take much longer. The headaches are so much worse."

He nodded and moved to sit down. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Help me manage the symptoms. Something for the headaches at least." He nodded and we sat in silence for a while. "Carlisle?"

His eyes, so much darker now than the gold they'd been when he came in, met mine, "Why did you leave me?"

His eyes swam with so much pain it was like a physical presence in the room, "Edward was convinced we were dangerous to you, that your life would be better without us in it."

The silence returned until a nurse knocked on the door, "Dr Cullen?"

"Coming." He nodded, his eyes not leaving Bella. "What… will you, would you consider…"

I nodded, "I'd like very much to see them all again."

He nodded, "My shift ends at nine."

"I'll be at the Firefly Inn room 9."

I took the drugs he gave me and the front desk girl, Beth, took me back to the inn. I was sitting outside on a bench, looking up at the stars when he came.

"Are you ready?"

"I'm not sure I've time enough left to be." I told him with a sigh. I turned to look at him; even in the dark I thought I could see the pain in his too dark eyes. "I feel a little dizzy. Will you help me to the car please."

He nodded and helped me to stand, "Would you like to lie down a bit? It's already late, I can come back for you in the morning."

"No, now is fine. I slept most of the afternoon."

The drive out of town was quiet. They were all on the porch waiting.

"Did you tell them?"

He shook his head, "Alice called me after you left, and she said she saw you coming home with me. I told her we'd crossed paths at the hospital." He looked away, "I, I know I should have said."

"It's ok." I assured him, resting my hand on his arm, "I can tell them."

He nodded and in an instant had exited the car and was at my door, kneeling down to lift me out.

He carried me to the porch and walked past the others to the living room, not setting me down until we had reached a very plush looking white couch. He covered me with a blanket while Alice turned on the light switch for the fireplace. The family, watching in surprise, stared from around the room, Edward standing in the farthest corner, his eyes trained on me.

"Water? Food? Painkillers?"

I shook my head at Carlisle. "I'm alright just now."

He nodded and moved back.

"What's going on?" Esme asked moving towards us.

Alice took in a sharp breath, her eyes brimming in tears as the vision cleared, the sound of something breaking signaled Edward having read the vision from her mind.

"What? Someone fill us in?" Emmett demanded.

"I'm dying." I told them, as bluntly and emotionlessly as I'd done with Carlisle. Like he had they all stared at me still as statues as though they could unhear the words I'd spoken or turn the words into something else.

"Bella was diagnosed with extensive Glioblastoma, brain tumors. Surgery is out of the question, its only outcomes death or complete brain damage. Intensive chemotherapy and radiation treatments can shrink the tumors and possibly extend her life for a short time but the quality of that life would be suspect." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair again.

"It's alright Carlisle, I told you, there is nothing you can do, I'm not afraid of dying."

His tormented eyes met mine again, "It's not time yet." He shook his head, "You're too young."

"The young die everyday."

"Not in this family." Rosalie broke the silence falling over us.

"I'm not part of this family." I reminded her.

"You are." Alice disagreed, her small hand clutching Jasper's shirt.

"You could be." Rosalie agreed.

My eyes didn't move from Jasper, "Why did you kill him?"

His head tilted in thought, his expression blank, "Kill whom?"

"James. I remember that it was you. Edward fought him, but it was you, you were the one to kill him."

"He was going to kill you Bella." Alice reminded me.

I nodded, "Now I'll die anyways, humans die, it's in our nature, we live, we suffer, we die. I'm nothing to you. Why did you kill him?" My eyes hadn't left his as they went from bright gold to bronze to nearly black, pain swimming in their depths.

"I'm sorry about your birthday Bella. I'd never want to hurt you."

"I know. It wasn't your fault." I swallowed, "Why did you kill James?"

"He hurt you darlin."

I nodded, "My life wasn't worth more than his though, arguably less."

Jasper's eyes turned dark as pitch, "You are worth it."

I wanted to ask him why, but like the moment in the hotel, something, some dark edge of fear, held me back and I didn't ask.

"Bella." Edward's voice was a whisper caressing my name.

I turned to him, the one with answers to questions I was no longer sure of, I frowned as I looked at him, this beautiful boy I'd needed so desperately, "I've loved and hated you in equal measure for three years." I told him truthfully.

He nodded, "No more, I'm sure, than I've hate myself Bella but I've loved you every minute."

I shook my head, "Then you've yet to discover what love really is."

A snort, covering a laugh came from Rosalie.

"Bella?" Alice asked.

I turned to her and when I opened my mouth to speak, I shut it again not sure what to say.

"You must be tired." Esme gave her a weak smile, "Why don't you rest and we can talk more about this in the morning."

"I'm always tired." I give her a weak smile back, "Soon I'll rest forever and maybe find a little peace." I shook my head and looked around the room again, tears stinging my eyes. "I missed you all so much." But it wasn't them who'd spent the last three years by my side, suffering with me, healing me in measures to small for either of us to know. I wondered if maybe I had made life a little less painful for her too. I wished she were with me again, my sister. I looked back at Jasper, afraid to push for answers but needing them, "She didn't deserve this," I shook my head as tears streamed down my cheeks, "I should have died or changed but he should never have died for it not for me. She deserves to know why, _I_ have to know why."

Jasper shakes his head at me and I can feel pain radiating from him along with confusion, "I'm sorry darlin, I'd never meant to hurt you, I'd never hurt you."

"But you did, all of you did, you left. I could forgive you for that, because I'm just a human, a novelty and a pet, but James?" I shake my head, "How do I forgive you for that? How do I understand how you could break her like that if you won't tell me why? Why am I worth it, worth her pain?"

He looks tortured but says nothing and I understand, "They were mates Jasper. Not even James, at his worst, would separate a mate. I was never anything but a toy, a novelty your brother obsessed over, someone he couldn't read but I didn't mean anything, not like he did. No one ever loved me the way they loved and you broke it, you broke her and I wasn't worth that, not to anyone."

His look is still sad but there is a fierceness there now too, as his eyes bore into mine, "You are." He disagrees.

"To who? Edward? He left me Jasper, he left me broken and alone, he left me hunted, only instead of killing me she decided our shared misery was better punishment, she became my sister. She matters more than anything and you broke her, for me, a useless dying human that you all just abandoned."

There is something inside of him, I can see it in his eyes, a part of him that is breaking, shattering inside of him and in the blackness of his eyes a demon is waking, something dark and angry, something wounded, tortured even more than the shattered depths revealed in my sisters eyes when her beast leaked out its rage and pain over the loss of her mate. I want to comfort him and the feeling surprises me, I'm not angry with him, I feel like I should be, for my broken sister but I feel a piece of me, something in my shattered heart coming back to life after so long and it wants to hold him.

His posture shifts and his black eyes meet mine, around us no one is moving, not even to breathe. I can still see the demon in his eyes but there is something else there as well and I sigh, I'm so tired and I don't fight the feeling as my eyes drift closed.

 _Laughter. She can hear laughter following her as she runs through the garden, giggling. He catches her, she happily lets him as he pulls her into his arms and spins her before setting her down and taking her hand to kiss her gloved fingers._

 _"Miss Belle." He grins at her, "Why do you run from me?"_

 _"So you'll catch me." She teases and spins to run from him again._

 _He laughs again and gives chase but their fun is stopped as her cousin steps from the house, his expression tight and serious._

 _"What happened?" The accented voice is right behind her, all laughter gone from his voice. The house was opulent, nothing he and his family could come close to affording, their farm was small, there were no slaves to do the hard work only Jasper and his two brothers, training and breaking the horses, taking care of the cattle. In years past he'd have been looked down on, the man before him would have challenged him for being so forward with a young woman under the charge of his fathers house let alone his very cousin. Now though he was the older boys superior, now he was welcomed with open arms in this home and the beautiful young girl was practically shoved towards him as soon as his gaze flickered in interest. Now they were allowed to wander the garden or ride the fields without a chaperone, now he could stand close to her, close enough to breathe in her scent, touch her waist or even place a kiss on the bare skin of her wrist._

 _"There was a skirmish a few miles north, there's a message here for you from the General." Her cousin spared her a small smile and nod as he turned to lead his Major inside._

 _Belle followed behind but as they went with her uncle into the drawing room she slipped upstairs and sighed sinking into a chair in the sitting room as her female cousin and aunt joined her._

 _"Your parents would be so happy to see you thus." Elizabeth smiled warmly at her, the soft cultured tones of the north still in her voice even after years in the south married to a Texan._

 _"Do you think?" Belle asked her hesitantly, "I know I haven't behaved properly, I can't seem to be the lady they wanted me to be."_

 _She smiled and shook her head, "Your parents understood love Belle, you're proper enough in public and I would presume to believe nothing untoward has occurred? Certainly the young Major isn't without honor?"_

 _She blushed and shook her head, "Nothing like that Auntie."_

 _"Of course not." Victoria huffed sitting down as well and shooting a smile at her cousin, "There has been kissing though hasn't there?"_

 _"Victoria!" Her mother admonished. Victoria wasn't really her daughter, she was from Andrew's first marriage to a young woman who'd died in child birth with Victoria's younger sister but Elizabeth had met and fallen in love with the Texan, happily marrying him and raising his three children and giving him four more. Then when Belle's own parents had died, just after the start of the war she had welcomed his niece with the same open arms and loving heart._

 _Belle just blushed and looked away with a small shake of her head, "Jasper is the perfect gentleman."_

 _"Shame." Victoria sighed._

 _"Victoria Mckenna!" Elizabeth was smiling as she admonished her daughter._

 _"It is." I sighed again and Elizabeth couldn't hold back her chuckle even as she shook her head at us in pretend reproach._

 _"Andrew needed a little encouragement." Elizabeth winked, "Sometimes a southern gentleman needs a little push to let him know we delicate flowers can handle a real man."_

 _Victoria and I both gaped at her and then burst into giggles._

 _"Did your James need encouragement?" I ask Victoria._

 _She shakes her head with a wide grin though she's still blushing, "I pushed James's buttons from the moment we met and the man couldn't find the gentleman he was raised to be in him."_

 _"Luckily he found it pretty quick and married you." Elizabeth snorted, "Your father would have taken a shot gun to him."_

 _Victoria snorted, "Damn Yank, Daddy maybe still should've." Elizabeth's smile faltered a little, "Oh mama, I didn't mean it, you know I love James, even if he is a stubborn yank who forced me to marry him and I'll love my brothers for all eternity and always pray they come home safe, that they lose the war too but come home safe!"_

 _"You snuck out, to an enemy camp, in the middle of the night and hid naked in his tent." Belle reminded her dryly, the men of the family weren't privilege to all the details of the surprising union that had developed after their home had been used to exchange prisoners a while back. Andrew's refusal to choose a side lending the perfect neutral ground whenever it needed to occur in the area and with sons on both sides of the war it kept their family ties strong, whereas some in similar situations had become enemies, their family had held blood over all else, even sides in the war. One brother fighting for freedom and land the other to abolish slavery. Their family had freed their slaves before the war but others in the area did not share their belief in equality and though there were some kind masters others were cruel and the family simply saw owning a person as wrong, but they also saw the Yanks as trying to become their rulers like the English had once been and so the brothers fought, on opposite sides of a war, fighting for different ideals as though fighting two different wars._

 _"I was trying to warn my brother!" Victoria defended, "I thought it was his tent and I had my chemise on, I could hardly swim the river in my dress and corset!"_

 _"It's lucky he married you or you'd have been strung up as a spy." Elizabeth frowned at her daughter shaking her head, "We were all lucky."_

 _"Yes we were and I love James." Victoria looks sad for a moment but shakes it off._

 _"The war will end and we'll all be together again, Yank or Reb it won't matter." Belle tries to comfort her, wishing she could believe her own words, but life, especially when at war, was unpredictable and sometimes cruel, they all knew none of them might come through the war at all._

 _"Well, my not so southern gentleman Yank didn't need a push but he is a northerner, your Major isn't." Victoria turned the conversation back to Bella, pushing away the melancholy that had momentarily fallen._

 _Belle blushed and looked at her hands, "How forward do you expect me to be?"_

 _"Sneak into his room in a chemise, it worked for me." Victoria laughed._

 _Elizabeth shook her head at her daughter biting back another chuckle and took her nieces hand, her voice was solemn as she spoke, "This is war Belle, none of us know what is to come, if you find any happiness with him while he's here, enjoy it, he'll be gone soon and no one can say if he'll be back."_

 _Belle bit back tears at the thought and smiled at her aunt, squeezing her fingers, "What if I love him?"_

 _"Then love him, with everything you are, for as long as you can."_

 _"Shouldn't you be telling me to behave like a proper lady and wait for him to marry me?"_

 _"Who do you think helped me sneak out to the damn river?" Victoria laughed._

 _Elizabeth flushed and met her nieces eyes again, "I love Andrew and all of our children, all of our family. If things were the way they used to be, just last year then yes, I would admonish any forwardness, but then as open as your uncle is, the young Major is a poor rancher and you'd likely not cross paths. Things are different now Belle. If you love him, don't let old rules hold you back."_

 _"What if he doesn't love me?"_

 _Elizabeth smiles, "I'll tell you a secret." She leans in closer though her voice only drops slightly, "He's asked your uncle about courting you."_

 _Her hand flies to her mouth in surprise, a slight gasp escaping, "What did he say?"_

 _"That he knew he would never be able to give you this life, once the war ends he'll have nothing to offer you and he understands if your uncle says no but in all propriety he had to ask, he didn't want to lead you on if he'd not ever have permission to marry you, that even if he had nothing to offer but himself he would find a way to care for you, that no man of means could love you more."_

 _"He did?" Belle gasps, tears stinging her eyes._

 _"What did Papa say?" Victoria demanded._

 _"That if you said yes, he'd happily find the priest." Elizabeth laughed, "That rich or poor, if he loved you, that was all we wanted for our niece but if he didn't take care of you we had five boys in the family, reb and yank, who would hunt him down."_

 _Belle leaned forward and hugged her aunt, her cousin joining in the embrace, "Guess we wont need to push him that much after all, Papa gave his blessing all he has to do is make his move." Elizabeth shifted a little sitting back, "Mama?" Victoria questioned._

 _"Jasper told Andrew he wouldn't want to make you a widow, that he'd court you if he had permission and when the war ended, hopefully you would consent to wed."_

 _"After the war?" Belle shook her head. They didn't know when that would be, at the start they thought a few days but days turned to weeks and then a year had passed, who knew when it would end or if her charming Major would survive. Newly promoted he was the youngest Major in the army, north or south, he was good and that made him a target._

 _"He also expressed concern that now it was romantic and he was a major and you might not feel this way in a time of peace for a poor man."_

 _"As if I were so materialistic and conceited!" Belle huffed._

 _"No but you've also never had to work the way he and the women folk close to him have Belle. We are blessed and we raised you to be grateful, your parents raised you to not be spoiled but knowing the other side and living it everyday are different. Of course you'd be better off than his family has been, your parents left you everything and your uncle and I would offer a dowry even if they hadn't but it would still be a change from the life you grew up in, even the life we have now with such shortages."_

 _Later in the drawing room Belle stood staring at the fire, she felt him enter behind her but didn't tear her eyes from the flames, "Belle?" His rich accented voice caressed her as he stepped closer, alone in the drawing room, the door all but closed, this would have led to an engagement or her ruin in years past. "You were quiet at supper, are you alright darlin?"_

 _"What did your General want?"_

 _Jasper sighed but then chuckled, "Actually its good news."_

 _"Good news?" She turned to him in question._

 _"There's going to be a second trade, two of my men are bringing a doctor they captured." He shook his head and chuckled, "It will extend my stay here. I've also gotten word the one bringing the two prisoners from the Yank side is Victoria's husband."_

 _"James?" She grinned, "That's wonderful."_

 _"I'd hoped you might be as happy about my stay?" The question was part teasing._

 _Belle grinned at him but shrugged, "I suppose you aren't terrible company."_

 _Jasper chuckled and stepped closer, "Does that mean you'll stop runnin from me?"_

 _"How will I get you to hold me if I don't make you catch me?" The words were bold and made her flush crimson._

 _"I'd hold you now." He whispered stepping closer. The squeak of the door snapped him from whatever trance he'd been in and he stepped back from her to a respectful distance._

 _"Is it true!" Victoria demanded sweeping into the room, casting a quick apologetic glance to her cousin before focusing on Jasper, "Is James coming?"_

 _Jasper smiled and nodded, "I've been informed to expect him in a day or two, we'll be here three days for the exchange and then all be expected back to our camps."_

 _"Only five days?" Belle asked softly._

 _"Your uncle has consented to having me back once I've checked in, with the promotion I've been given leave to return home for at least a fortnight."_

 _"Won't you?"_

 _"I'd come here first." There was a hesitant note in his voice and Belle smiled, "My uncle would enjoy the company I'm sure, being so surrounded by us women folk."_

 _"And you Belle? Will you enjoy it as well?" His voice is low and Belle sees Victoria slip back out of the room a new bounce in her step, thoughts of her husband consuming her._

 _"Jasper." She sighs his name and steps closer to him, improperly close, close enough she can feel the heat from his body._

 _His arms wrap around her and he pulls her against him, tilting her head and kissing her gently before stepping back and shaking his head, "Forgive me Miss Belle. I'd meant to come and ask if you would let me court you, I should not have taken such liberty."_

 _Tears sting her eyes and she shoves his chest, "This isn't 1860 Jasper, we're at war, you could die!"_

 _"So all propriety should be abandoned? I should forget the man my mother raised me to be?"_

 _Belle tilted her chin up, refusing to let the tears fall, "Do you love me?"_

 _"From the first glance, first word you spoke, first laugh you graced me with, everything I am is yours Belle. I'm young and poor," He sighed running a hand through his hair, "I lied Belle, when I joined I lied, I'm not yet twenty, I'm a younger son in a family with a small plot of land that will go to my older brother and his wife, I was schooled as a young boy but left to work as soon as I could. I have nothing and you, you're cultured and educated, you are the bell of the ball a star so far out of my reach I'd have been laughed off your porch or cursed for dirtying it with my muddy boots."_

 _"Things have changed Jasper, everything is different! My uncle gave you permission, I know he did and I wouldn't have cared if he didn't!"_

 _"Things have changed Belle but they'll change back, I'll still be poor and uneducated with nothin to offer but a title earned in war that will earn me a salute and a few praised words if we win and leave a target on my back if we don't."_

 _The tears wouldn't be held back as she glared at him, "I don't care about a fancy house Jasper, I was stifled before the war, I was useless and unhappy. A pretty doll to be bought and kept on a shelf by some southern gentleman who'd never laugh or play with me the way you do. I could never run through the garden to play hide and seek or ride through the fields, racing and jumping. You make me happy Jasper. Its enough for me, its enough for my family, why can't it be enough for you?" She demands spinning and storming from the room._

 _Jasper stares after her running a frustrated hand through his hair, "Because one day, you'd hate me for it all." He thought of his brothers wife, a pretty young thing who'd gotten into some trouble and been sent to wed the distant relative of a neighbor, she'd been ruined by rumor and went from ball rooms and trips to Europe to the wife of a poor rancher. She resented him and this life and Jasper couldn't stand to see his Belle come to look at him like that._

 _Jasper hated how she avoided him in the days that followed. James arrived and the Yank was welcomed with open arms, he found he liked the man and his second, whose fathers house they used, hugged him as though they weren't on opposite sides of a war. There were five of them on either side, two Yanks and one of theirs that grumbled under their breath but no one caused trouble and the exchange went smoothly._

 _It was his last night there and Jasper was lamenting his last conversation with the beauty who'd captured him body, heart and soul._

 _"Whatever it is, life is to short, especially in this war, just accept you were wrong, apologize and make up with her before it's to late."_

 _The voice of the Yank startled Jasper and he turned to lift a brow at James, "Yank?"_

 _"Come now Reb, a blind man can see my little cousin-in-law is in love with you and you her."_

 _"I'm not wrong and I highly doubt it's how you would handle anything with your Victoria."_

 _"Victoria is my wife, I wasn't dumb enough not to take the chance to be happy with her the moment I had it."_

 _"To leave her a widow?"_

 _"To leave her with a life time knowing a man loved her beyond reason. Loved her beyond battle lines drawn by other men, beyond propriety and convention or the perceptions of fools."_

 _"What if I don't have the decency to die in this war, what if I come back and take her home with me? To a tiny ranch to small to house my parents, sister, brothers and their wives with us, to having just enough to eat but having to work dawn to dusk for it until her fingers are raw. I love my family, I love raising our horses and I love the long hard days out tending the cattle but I'll come home smelling like sweat, dirt, horse and cow shit every day. There will be no parties or champaign, no crystal." He throws the crystal brandy glass into the fireplace hating the tears stinging his eyes. "I never, to this day felt like there was anything wrong with my life, that I was unworthy of anything but damnit I am unworthy of her!"_

 _"Yes you are." The voice of Andrew startled him and Jasper swallowed down the angry tears and the pain ripping through him at the words. "If that is what you think of my niece you are unworthy of her love and her strength because it is the measure of the man and not his wealth she cares for and to think any less of her is to be unworthy."_

 _"Look around you." Jasper pleads with him, "I can never give her this."_

 _"She never asked you to." Andrew tells him with a shake of his head. "None of us asked you to give her any type of life except for one where she is loved."_

 _"I can never give Victoria this either Jasper." James speaks up. "I have three siblings under my care because my father was a drunk who beat my mother to death and then got himself killed for cheating at cards. You think I deserved Victoria? I was blessed by the wild thing herself having chosen to love me and I will spend my life making her happy, proving I can deserve that kind of love. Win or lose this war, if I survive it, her life wont be a giant house with servants and parties, she wont have to work or worry but she wont ever come close to having the life she grew up with."_

 _"I have been blessed with the wealth to make the lives of my children better but both my daughter and my niece have known hard times as well as good ones. My brother was wealthy as well and he sent her to etiquette school but he also let her run barefoot through the woods and associate with the natives living near their property. She would have had many suitors, actually she still has one very persistent young man but she does not love him and I dare say he does not love the real her, she is like my daughter, wild and free, their beauty is not meant to be caged and sheltered no matter how fragile they seem they are strong."_

 _"How long until the hardships of my life tear her down? Destroy that beauty and strength, leaving her bitter and hard?"_

 _"When my first wife died I left, all my family, including my children, in my brothers care. I drank and gambled. He came and fetched me home and often I woke to sweet little Belle and my little angel Victoria running a cool cloth over my forehead or cleaning up whatever I had broken or thrown up. Those two little girls pulled me back to the land of the living, helping take care of the baby and me, at three they were so damn special. I moved away and I hated separating the girls but I needed a new start and it was little Belle to comfort me when we left, to tell me I needed to get away from the bad memories, that they'd all be ok and still love me always. Belle was always taking care of her mother, the poor sweet woman was too delicate, Belle called her a butterfly. They were wealthy but nothing like I am, they were however neutral, like I am and in a much more volatile location. Belle's parents both burned to death in the fire, along with one of her friends and the girl's mother. Belle got out, she got her other friend out and some of the servants. They escaped into the woods but not all men are honorable Jasper and to them those girls and their parents were as good as traitors for not picking a side. Belle protected her friend, nearly died protecting her, both nearly lost their innocence in the most brutal manner but Belle had run them through the woods to tribal lands and the people there protected them, protected Belle because they had come to love her. It was months before I could get to her, before I knew she was alive. I found her living in a teepee, wearing animal skins, cooking over a pot and humming, her friend wed one of the natives and chose to stay, Belle came home with me. She'll live in a cave in the woods or a castle in the clouds as long as she is with people she loves, she's happy. You're a good man Jasper and I know you love my niece. Trust that she can love you back because you're wrong. If you'd shown up on this porch or her fathers, if you'd loved her this well and she loved you, we'd have given our blessing to the poor country ranch boy as readily as I do to the Rebel Major." Jasper doesn't know what to say as the older man clasps his shoulder, "Do not break her heart by leaving like this. If it is the last time you see her, as each time can be, and take it from me war isn't the only thing that can separate you tragically, just make sure she knows you love her."_

 _Jasper nods and accepts the drink the Yank soldier hands him, "Drink up soldier, you're about to face an angel and their wrath at being hurt is more terrifying than the battle field, trust me, I married one."_

 _Jasper can't help but chuckle with him and nod as he sipped the whiskey, then he turned to Andrew, "Still think you can drum up a priest?"_

 _"You think you can get her to say yes?" James teased._

 _"I'd like to bring her home to meet my mama, as my wife, before I'm sent out to god knows where."_

 _"Well now, that I imagine I can do." Andrew chuckled, "Besides, he can always use your tactics if she's as stubborn as my daughter James."_

 _"Bring her across enemy lines?" Jasper frowns, "I'm a rebel, so is she."_

 _"She's actually undeclared as her parents were and my lovely wife and I are but I do believe the compromising situation more than the Yank army is what forced my all to willing daughters hand."_

 _"Only man on the damn planet can joke about a man forcing his daughter to wife." James chuckles shaking his head._

 _"If you loved her less I'd have killed you." Andrew grins but both men know he's serious and nod in agreement taking another drink._

 _James grins, "Well, I think I'll go find my wife, spend our last night in private. I shall see you both in the morning for the nuptials and farewell?"_

 _"Well I did have hopes of a grandbaby one of these days boy." Andrew nodded draining his glass, "Go find my niece and compromise her already soldier, I'm off to find the priest."_

 _Jasper shook his head and watched them leave the room before draining his glass and going to search out his fiery beauty._

 _Belle was pacing her room, he was leaving in the morning, they'd barely spoken in days and he was leaving, so much time wasted and they had none. She slipped out onto the porch and walked around, she stared at the moon a while across from his darkened room. Was he inside or still below with James and her uncle?_

 _Some time later soft moans issued out the open window from her cousins room as she passed going back to her room._

 _"Belle!" The hushed whisper startled her and she looked over the rail._

 _"William?"_

 _"Belle." He grins up at her._

 _"What are you doing here?"_

 _"I came to declare my love!" He whisper yells._

 _"In the dead of the night?" She demands in a hiss._

 _He chuckles and begins to climb, falling and cursing himself before getting up to try again. "I love you sweet Belle." He huffs._

 _"Are you drunk?"_

 _"On love for you."_

 _"On whiskey more like." She huffs. "Go home William."_

 _"I've joined the battle my love, off to war but first I've come to kiss you goodbye and beg… beg… damn" He curses falling again. "I'll be up in just a minute love." She hears him scrambling up again._

 _"Go home William before my uncle hears and shoots you."_

 _"I don't care if he hears, let him, I love you and will happily take you as my wife before I go off to war." He huffs, "First I will declare my kiss and love you." He whisper yells._

 _"Oh no you wont. Stop this right now and go home!" She tells him louder. She can still hear the noises from her cousins room next to her own, the window almost behind her and if she screams they'll come quickly._

 _"I will have you my love!" He declares. His voice is louder and Belle wonders if she should really scream, if they are found together, in her state of undress, things hadn't changed that much, she'd be ruined, forced to marry him._

 _If she screamed they'd definitely be caught together. "Go away, now!" She hissed tossing a small potted plant over the rail._

 _He cursed as it hit him but not enough to dislodge him as he climbed closer._

 _Belle watched in horror as his head popped into view and he climbed so he was standing just on the other side of the rail, "I'm here my love, come for you to see me off to war with a kiss."_

 _"Go now, before someone hears you." She implores._

 _"It's alright love, I heard your uncle speak to the priest, he knows of my love for you and my commission, he's helping us to elope before I'm away. We do not have to hide, come." He grunted as he tried to climb over the rail, "Kiss your betrothed."_

 _She really did scream as a body stepped out of her room only a foot to her left and moved past her, slamming his fist into the boys face, sending the young man sailing over the banister he had been attempting to climb over._

 _She rushed to the rail to see he was still alive, groaning as he rolled onto his side. James came rushing out with undone pants hastily thrown on and a gun in hand, Victoria behind him in his shirt with a knife._

 _James looked from Jasper to Belle, "I said compromise the girl not terrify her." He chuckled shaking his head and then grinned seeing the other man with unbuttoned shirt and standing on the side near her door instead of on the other side of his and Victoria's room when Jasper's own room was. "I guess you did both." He glances back at Belle in her white chemise, "That is as see through as my wife's when it was wet."_

 _Belle gasps and wraps her arms over herself to cover her. Jasper growls and removes his unbuttoned coat to wrap around her._

 _"I heard her scream." He defends her honor, "I rushed out to see."_

 _"Rushed out of her room?" Victoria asks with a laugh._

 _A blush rises from his cheek and Belle's mirrors it, "Why were you in my room."_

 _"I came to make amends before leaving."_

 _"To compromise her you mean." Victoria snorts and sends her husband a dark look._

 _"It was Andrew's idea." He grins at his wife._

 _"Wait why were you screaming?" Victoria switches gears._

 _"Jasper punched William and sent him over the rail, almost to his death."_

 _"William?" Victoria frowns, "What was he doing here?" Then she groans, "Please tell me your little spat with Jasper didn't send you into that prats arms!"_

 _"Of course not!" Belle defends._

 _"Then what was he doing here?" Jasper demands._

 _"Trying to compromise me!" Belle hissed at him, "Rather like a southern not so gentleman that just sprung out of my bedroom."_

 _"Do I have to compromise you?" He asks gently. "I'd never force your unwilling hand."_

 _"Jasper." She sighs and steps nearer to him. A groan below drags their attention away though._

 _"He's commissioned, that's a Yank thing right?" Belle frowns._

 _"Don't worry, I'll handle any trouble." James grins with a wink. "You two run along and compromise each other."_

 _Belle flushes while Jasper tugs her arm and they disappear into the dark of her room, "Jasper?"_

 _"Why was he here Belle?"_

 _"I told you, to compromise me!" She hissed._

 _"Then why were you outside? If you didn't know he was coming, I know he was coming and not going, I heard enough to know that."_

 _"Then you heard me tell him to leave!"_

 _"Why were you out there?" He demands again._

 _"I was…" She blushed, "I went to see if your light was on and it wasn't, after a bit I heard James and Victoria but a light never appeared in your room, I…"_

 _"You were going to compromise yourself in my room?"_

 _"No!" She flushed. "I just, I wanted to apologize for this week. It was rude to ignore you and I, I, well you're leaving in the morning." She bit back tears. "I wasn't planning on compromising myself, no one would have known I saw you, I just, I needed to say goodbye and there wont be time in the morning, not alone."_

 _Jasper shook his head, a wry smile twisted his lips, "I was very much planning to compromise you though."_

 _"Jasper?" She breathes his name._

 _"Only with your permission of course."_

 _"Yes." He's kissing her a moment later, the first brush of his lips is gentle and tentative but when she leans into him, heat takes over and its passionate and deep, their bodies molding together tightly._

 _"I'll never be good enough Belle but I'll love you more than any man ever could, forever."_

 _"I love you." She cries hugging him tighter, "No one but you will ever be good enough for my heart."_

 _It's dawn when there is a knock on her door and ten minutes later they say their vows in the drawing room._

 _"I'll see you in a few days." Jasper kisses his young bride. "We'll get you a ring and when the war is over a real wedding. I'll be back, I promise."_

 _"I love you."_

 _He does come back a few days later and they spend a week together but he has orders and cannot take her to meet his family yet._

 _"I'll come back for you." He promises, kissing her deeply._

 _"I love you forever." She clings to him._

 _"For always." He whispers back._

 _He sends letters when he can but mostly she spends her days with Victoria and her Aunt._

 _He comes back twice, for such short visits, just over night as the troops move positions then once for almost a week for another prisoner exchange._

 _Always he promises her, "I'll come back to you."_

 _"How do you know?"_

 _"I will always come back to you, always find you, for all eternity your heart and mine, we'll always be bound."_

 _"I love you forever."_

 _"For always."_

 _Jasper doesn't come home though. Another soldier comes and tells them he's missing. Not dead, missing. Belle refuses to mourn, refuses to believe he's gone. She has to wait for him to come back to her. If not alive then his body, something, anything that will confirm he'd really died but until then she couldn't believe he was gone."_

 _It's weeks later and she is sitting on his little porch, she's supposed to be shelling peas but they sit mostly untouched as she stares into the distance._

 _"He's not coming back darlin." Andrew sits next to her, his voice low and full of emotion._

 _"He is, he'll come back for me." Belle turns to meet his eyes, "He's not dead, I feel it, I know he's still out there and he'll come back, he'll come back to me."_

 _Time continues to pass and the war continues, Belle writes to the tribe she grew up with and finally finds a little hope. A name, a woman, a witch._

 _"He's not coming back Belle." Her cousin holds her hand but Belle ignores her. Jasper is missing, not dead and he was coming home. She'd made sure of it. She and Jasper would always find each other. They'd be together forever, they'd promised each other that and she knew she'd love him for all eternity, knew he loved her the same. They'd find each other again, Jasper would come back for her, he promised._

 _"He will Victoria, I don't know how I know, but I know, he's out there, he's not dead. I dream of him and dreams are powerful, you remember what the wise woman of the tribe told us about dreams? I dream of him, not as he was but something else, he's become something else but I know he's still in there, behind the red eyes, blood and violence, my Jasper is there. I just have to find him, he has to come back to me."_

 _"Belle." Victoria sighs._

 _"I'm going to see a witch, to find a way."_

 _"I'll come with you."_

 _"No."_

 _"Yes. You aren't going alone, besides, there's this feeling, mama thinks it because you lost Jasper but I_ _ **know**_ _something bad is going to happen. Maybe she can save me, save James."_

 _"Victoria?"_

 _"You and Jasper, me and James, we are coming out of this together Belle and you and I are going to make sure of it."_

 _Belle and Victoria ride off to seek out the witch. Jasper is alive, he's out there, Belle knows it and Victoria believes her. Every night she dreams of him, he's not the same, his eyes are red and he is fighting, always fighting and there is blood so much blood. The dreams are terrifying but he's alive, she knows from them he is alive and he's fighting, he must be fighting to come back to her, he has to be alive._

 _The sky was still grey with predawn light as she snuck to the barn and rode out to find the witch._

 _The cottage was deep in the woods; it was overgrown with vines so that it looked as though it grew out of the earth._

 _"Hello?" She called._

 _"Good morning."_

 _"I'm looking for the Witch Amalie?"_

 _"Are you sure you wish to find me?"_

 _She took a breath to steady her nerves and dismounted from the horse. "Please, I need your help."_

 _Turning back to her, the lavender eyed woman nodded, "I know why you've come child but I must warn you, magic comes at a cost be sure you are willing to pay it."_

 _She clenched her jaw and lifted her chin to meet the witches eyes before nodding._

 _"Come then. We'll have some tea and I will work your will."_

 _"Thank you." She breathed in relief, sniffling a little as she followed into the cottage. She doesn't care the price, she'll pay anything, and Victoria agrees. Jasper is out there and he's suffering. Her dreams tell her that he is alive somewhere, he's not the same but he's alive and she'll do anything to ensure they find each other again, Jasper has to come home to her and if he can't she has to find him, to save him because he's in hell, death and blood and pain surround him but they'll find each other and both be whole again._

 _No one knows where they went that morning and no one can convince Belle that he's dead, after seeing the witch she returns home, she'll wait for as long as it takes, she'll wait forever and pay any price so long as her Jasper survives and is ok._

 _Belle screams as pain rips through her, a dream of her beloved had turned into a nightmare, not the same where he is her Jasper and not, where he is pale and surrounded by death and pain always fighting. In this dream he is that other Jasper, he's got scars covering his chest, neck and arms and blood splatters him, there are bodies all around and a woman, a dark haired beauty whose eyes shine as red as Jasper's have become. Jasper takes her in his arms, Belle is not even a distant memory in his eyes, his red eyes only see this woman, this red-eyed demon, they are wild and passionate, almost violent as they come together. Pain tore through her whole body as she stumbled out onto the balcony, the rain was sheeting down around her as she wailed, clutching her chest, trying to hold herself together dropping to her knees in agony, unable to breathe._

 _The witches voice rings in her head as she tosses with fever for days, terrible dreams of her beloved, bathed in blood, eyes terrifying red and a woman, a beautiful woman with the same red eyes making love with him, bodies all around them. Together her Jasper and this woman consummates the curse Belle has inflicted on herself out of faith for the love Jasper swore too, now she'll pay the price of the witch, of magic, forever. She hasn't just paid a price herself, Victoria will pay it with her for her love of her cousin, for her own magic with James, they'll pay a price for their love._

 _Magic comes with a price but in bargaining their souls both had to have perfect faith in Jasper, in James and in each other. Jasper had broken it, now the price would be paid forever. Belle forgives him though, whoever the Jasper is in her dreams its not her Jasper and she'd forgive and love him always, this faith and love, this purity of her heart surprises the witch as she feels the magic take complete hold of the four souls. There is a balance to everything and all magic comes with a price and a balance, life and death, cursed and freed. Into the curse the witch creates the balance all three will be born again, to live and die and search for each other, until he finds her again, until each of the four are reunited, in love and harmony, for eternity._

 _They bury her in the garden under a stone with both names_ _ **Jasper and Belle Whitlock In Love, Forever, For Always.**_

 _Victoria buries the necklace given to each of them in the dirt just under the monument, she knows the price they will all pay for the magic but her faith is as strong as her cousin, stronger. The four of them will unite after the war and death, they will heal and live another life, a better life, together. Belle had believed it was this life but Victoria had known, Jasper was gone and Belle would follow, already sick and not even telling her cousin Victoria knows she wont live long, her heart is too weak. In the next life, the four would find each other again, their souls perfectly bound for eternity._

 _As she buries her necklace in the grave above her cousin, where she knows the other half rests below, she hears a voice in her own head, the witch, it's the same as the morning they'd seen her, the words are clear in her mind and she regrets nothing as she listens and traces her sweet cousins name for in the next life, they would be free, all of them together bound in happiness and love. "Through all eternity you will wait for your love to find you, life and death an eternal circle until you reunite, forever for always. He will return to you, one day you will have your eternity young Belle until then you will live and die always waiting, until he finds you and claims you. Love will come and go, until you find your true love it will always end and you will always die. If he claims another this cycle will be yours for eternity, suffering a short life and painful death. He lives and will live, with a memory of the love he found but lost but not the memory of you and only at your death will you remember him, always to suffer this loss again. If he claims you, you can both remember and live, side by side for all eternity but there is a price sweet child. There is always a price, not just your suffering but for your place here, Victoria, you will live this curse with her. You will suffer Belle's death the way she suffers his disappearance and your life, already marked to be short, will be shorter still and love forever lost by the actions of the man you love most. Until you girls are united again, then shall your love Victoria pay his own price as Jasper will pay for many years. You tie your lives, your souls to each other and these men, you've been bound to the world and now to eternity, only in the acceptance of these by the two you claim, can you all be freed to live and love for eternity of happiness, all of you together."_

 _Victoria wakes outside at the monument, a headache pounding in her skull, her house behind her is on fire. She runs forward but is yanked back and finds herself faced with an enraged William._

 _"Let me go." She yanks at her arm, "I have to help them!" She tries to get free but he gives a manic laugh and shakes her._

 _"She was mine!" He hisses, "Your traitor husband handed her to a damn rebel but I will have her Victoria. You and your rebel loving family can all burn in hell with that traitor but first you will tell me where my Belle is!"_

 _"Dead." Victoria screams at him, fear filling her for her family and her husband. "Belle is dead."_

 _"No!" He rages and slaps her hard, "Your traitor husband stole her from me, married her off to a rebel bastard but I'll have her Victoria, he's dead and now she'll be mine. I'll fuck his memory out of her until we have a dozen babies and you, little rebel bitch will die, now where is my Belle!"_

 _James is there though, yanking him away from her and they fight, "She's dead! William she's dead! She died of the fever! Belle is dead, please stop, stop this! She loved him, she loved Jasper and he died and she got sick and followed him, she didn't fight the fever, she wanted to be with him for all eternity."_

 _He screamed in rage and spun on her. James fired at him but the bullet crashed through his neck and into Victoria's head, killing not only the crazed soldier but James's young wife._

 _"VICTORIA!" James dropped to the ground and pulled her into his arms, screaming as he rocked her against him. The house behind him continued to burn. His men helped him bury her next to the cousin she'd loved like a sister and when he fell in the next battle one of them buried his gun there with her and placed a stone up,_ _ **Victoria and James McKenna, a love that crossed the lines of war and into forever.**_

I woke up from the dream, sweating and crying the voice of the witch from the dream in her head, " _If he claims another this cycle will be yours for eternity, suffering a short life and painful death."_ Jasper had claimed another for his eternity, he'd claimed Alice and now I would be born again and again, to die so young and then live again, a short painful life.

I curled onto my side and sobbed as images came to me, the woman James killed, the one who thanked him, it had been Victoria. Victoria, her cousin in one life but a sister to her soul, she had found her James and this time lost him, it wasn't supposed to be like that, James always lost her. Why was it different this life? Always I was born September 13th and died at seventeen, except this life. This life I had survived and James had died, this time, this life, my Jasper had found me, the four of them had found each other and now I'd die and live again and none of us would ever find each other again because Jasper had chosen Alice but what about James and Vicky? Could they still break their curse? What had I missed between Victoria and the witch? Why had Victoria made the deal she did? Not for Jasper and I alone but something else. I knew as I lay there and cried that I would never know, just as I knew this was the end. I remembered him, my Jasper, so many life times ago, now he's Alice's Jasper, she was his eternity. Knowing all this I was glad he was ok, my Jasper had survived, Alice wasn't the woman from my dreams and I didn't know how Jasper became this, Edward had never told me, but I understood why I was drawn to his quiet brother, why I'd secretly longed to know him, why when he'd called me worth it, I'd believed him. I was glad he had Alice, that though I would suffer yet another lifetime without him, he wasn't alone, he had the life he had always deserved, my Jasper.

"Bella?" Alice is slipping into the darkened room and I look around, only now realizing I'm not in my room at the inn. I remember seeing Carlisle, coming to the Cullen house, I must have fallen asleep and they carried me to a room. I'd die here in this room, surrounded by the family I'd once wanted so badly, I wished Victoria were here, that she and I were still in the car driving place to place, at least Jasper was here, not my Jasper anymore but at least my soul would know he's ok. Each time I would die in the future I'd remember him, with Alice who would love him for eternity. The thought hurt and comforted me. Or maybe I wouldn't remember any more, maybe I'd just live and die and live and die again or maybe I'd be free, walking eternity in the after life alone, without the chance to ever find him or Victoria again, to ever meet and know James again. "Bella?" Alice repeats coming into the room.

I hate her a little, I loved her so much and I love her for taking care of my Jasper but I hate her for leaving me in Forks and more, I hate her for having my Jasper. Did she see? Is that why she left? Did she see he owned my soul and separate us? He'd already chosen her though, he'd chosen her and I had never found him, I'd been to late. My Jasper hadn't come for me, he'd forgotten me completely, not just me but our love, that pure forever love. I feel a measure of peace and calm filling me and it only makes my heart break more.

"Darlin?" Jasper whispers from the door, it's the voice of my Jasper but I don't know if he's talking to me or her and my heart shreds into smaller pieces. "She's in pain Carlisle, I can feel it."

"I can't give her anything more Jasper, it would kill her."

They've all come into my room now and I try to push back the tears, "If you see her, tell Vicky I'm sorry, for this life and the other, tell her I love her, tell her to forgive James, to forgive me, to forgive herself and tell her… tell her not to look for me, if I do live again, she can't find me if she wants to find James, that's the price, all four of us or she and I will never find our happy ending together." I understand now and I wish I could tell her, it was my fault James died, my Jasper had chosen Alice, so the four of us couldn't have our eternal happiness together but she and James could, we just had to let go of each other, that was the price, "Tell her I'm the price and its ok, all magic comes with a price but she can have her James again. Please tell her I'm sorry, its all my fault but I love her, forever. Promise me, somehow, you'll let her know, she has to know."

"Shhh," Esme runs her cool hand over my brow, I'm so hot her hand doesn't feel as cold as I know it should. "It's going to be alright."

"Promise." I beg.

"I promise." Edward offers quietly.

"Bella…" Carlisle's voice is soft as he moves Esme to sit beside me, "I can make the pain go away." I nod and give him a smile, or as much of one as I can muster. I'm so tired, so tired and everything hurts so much. "Bella?"

I don't know what he's asking but the bed on my other side dips and the hand that takes mine sends, not electricity but a wave of something unnamable up my arm and into my heart, it's a warmth, a feeling of comfort, love and home and I don't need to open my eyes to know who it is, Jasper, my Jasper. It's not his gift providing the feeling its his skin against mine and I realize it's the first time I've touched him, not since the morning he'd left me, left Belle his beloved wife, all those years ago.

He leans down and whispers in my ear, "I can't. I'm sorry."

I feel his teeth then and a shiver runs through my whole body, its hot and cold all at once and I remember it from when the witch did the spell only instead of running in and down through me its running out, up from my limbs and out my chest.

"Jasper!" I hear someone yell.

"She didn't want this!" That from Edward, "She didn't ask for it!"

"Stay out of it Edward." Emmett hisses.

There is a growl and I know its Jasper, I can feel him in every pore of my skin. A wrist is lifted, but not by him and an ankle each bite brings with it more venom and I finally feel the fire.

"Jazz?" I can hear Alice calling to him, "Jasper, are you alright."

"Belle?" His voice is questioning, scared and unsure but filled with such hope and longing. I feel him take my hand in his, "Belle? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Belle."

I can feel my body writhing in pain but the fire feels so very far away, I can feel sorrow and love around my body but time has stopped and I'm not in my own skin. I know the pain is there and the love, sorrow, worry and so many other emotions as they stand around my changing body but it's far away, an echo and mostly I feel nothing. I'm not in my own body anymore.

 _Mist surrounds me and out of it comes the witch, "Hello Belle."_

 _"He bit me? Why? Is that my punishment, not to forget and live again and again, one short life after another but to live forever, remembering, knowing he chose her?"_

 _"There is no punishment Belle, only balance and choice, there is a price for magic and you all paid it, there is no punishment."_

 _"He chose Alice."_

 _"He bit you Belle, he didn't know or understand why, he couldn't let you die. He didn't remember but he bit you, he chose you, he found you in the dark and couldn't let you go, not for her or anyone."_

 _"It's ok Belle." I stop breathing as he comes out of the mist._

 _"James?"_

 _His smile is a little crooked but its real and warm, "Hey little cousin-in-law."_

 _"James!" I fling myself into his arms sobbing, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."_

 _"Hush." He rubs my back gently, holding me to him. "It's ok now, it's all ok."_

 _"She's alone, Vicky is alone." I sob at him._

 _"Not for long, I'll be with her, we'll all four of us be together again and happy, for all eternity."_

 _"You died." I remind him, "Jasper killed you. Oh god." I connect it in my head, "He killed you!"_

 _"It's ok." He comforts me again, "I killed him once too."_

 _I frown at him, "You killed Jasper?"_

 _"Jasper and I were brothers in another life, a long, long time ago, before we ever met you or Victoria though I met my Victoria in a life before the four of us were brought together."_

 _"How? I thought this life, our lives, were because of the curse, to live again and again?"_

 _"It was my curse, I killed my brother and I wanted him back, it cost me my wife. She'd get sick and die, again and again, I'd find her and lose her but because of what you and Victoria did, it wasn't sickness to take my wife but somehow caused by my own hand. Jasper had to break my curse Belle, he had to kill me for you like I killed him for her."_

 _"Jasper chose Alice."_

 _"He chose not to let you go Belle." The witch spoke up again. "He didn't know or understand why but he couldn't lose you. If he had bitten you on your eighteenth all of this would have been different."_

 _"What?"_

 _"Jasper needed to change you Belle, the taste of your blood would bring back the memories he lost just like his killing me brought back mine."_

 _"So what now? Is the curse broken?"_

 _"For us both." He agrees with a smile._

 _"What about Victoria?"_

 _"She can't get sick and die." He grins, "She's a vampire and we'll all four of us live forever one day."_

 _"You're dead." I remind him._

 _"I've been dead before." He laughs._

 _"Is everyone reincarnated?" I think of my father._

 _"No." The witch gives me a sad smile, "Some move on, others get stuck, some are reborn and some become something else."_

 _"Something else?"_

 _"Vampires, werewolves" she shrugs and adds with a wave of her hand "Some other things."_

 _"Right." I breathe. "What happens now?"_

 _"You're changing and when you wake things will be different."_

 _"Jasper?"_

 _"That will be difficult but your souls bound, he will be part of your existence forever."_

 _"Will we be together?"_

 _"Time will tell for all four of you what will come but you will, the four of you, live for eternity, one soul tied to the other."_

 _"You said happiness." James glares at her. "In their spell, you said we'd the four of us be together and happy for eternity."_

 _"Yes but I never said how you'd be happy or together, only time and the four of you can decide that." She smiles at us, its not kind or cruel, more amused. "Someone else is calling, looking for the witch Amalie, live well little human souls, your vampire lives will be long and life is never always one thing, good, bad, happy, sad, it is the true curse and gift."_

 _She disappears and I grab James's hand terrified to lose him, "What happens now?"_

 _"I don't know but take care of my brother, find Vic and take care of her, make sure she knows I will find her again, don't let her give up hope. Promise me?"_

 _"I promise."_

 _He hugs me tightly again but his arms are becoming part of the mist, "I love you Belle!"_

"James!" I sit bolt upright.

The room is empty and I look around me. I'm supposed to know this place but I don't recognize it. I take in a breath and close my eyes trying to remember where I am, who I am but there are to many lives in my head and I don't know which belongs to me. I remember pain and heartache and loss, I remember love and betrayal and sorrow. I can't remember my name. I have to many, they are all and none of them me, I can remember faces that hold the names mother and father each with feelings of love and loss. I can remember loves that always broke my heart, searching for the love and never finding it, finding him, my forever love, not until the last set of memories. His face is in two lives, his name is clear, Jasper, my forever love. In both lives there are two other faces, Victoria and James, they are the same but different in both lives. I know I love them but there is sadness around us as well. Which life, which memories are mine? Are none of them?

The door opens softly and I watch as he comes in, my mind flips through the life times, the memories until it finds him, "Carlisle?" I question.

"How do you feel?"

"Confused." My voice is soft and though I recognize it, it feels like its different.

"Jasper bit you."

"Jasper." I nod, I remember something from one life, "A party?" I ask with a frown.

"That was…" He frowns and then gives me a soft smile and moves slowly closer, "How much do you remember from your life?"

"Which life?" I ask him, flipping through other memories I come across his face again, "You met me before, or was it after?" I'm not sure the order of the memories, they all seem equally clear and equally far apart. "Only for a moment, you were a doctor, are you a doctor?"

"Bella?" He seems concerned now as he moves nearer to the bed.

I shake my head and stand up, "Something has happened to me hasn't it?"

"You're a vampire." He nods, explaining gently.

"Vampire?" I flip through my memories, two lives have this memory, only one with Carlisle, I wasn't one though so I shake my head, "I'm not, am I? Did someone bite me? You? Jasper, you said Jasper bit me, he wasn't a vampire in the other life so it must be the party, you were in that life but not the other, you were in a different one too but only in the one with Jasper."

"Bella?"

I know I'm not making sense and he's confused, of course he's confused, I'm confused.

"I think I need to eat now, my throat is scratchy, not bad but I think I should eat, maybe it will clear my head."

"Of course." Carlisle nods and motions me to the door, "I can take you."

"No," I shake my head at him, "I need to be alone, to think."

"You shouldn't be alone Bella, you need me to be there, to make sure there are no people around."

"Bella?" I question, "Was that me? The real me? They're all Bell somehow though." I shake my head at myself, "I need to think." I'm out the window and running. I know he's following behind me but I'm faster as I move through the woods.

I pass animals and then a camp ground, I keep running, trying not to think, to clear my head but also to organize the memories, to put them in some kind of order. I stop to feed on a moose and bury his body, then move to a stream to sit and sort through things.

Carlisle has caught up to me and is standing in the tree line. "You can come out." I tell him gently.

"You ran past a few humans."

"I know, I avoided them, you don't eat people, I remember that it's a choice and I don't know those were evil people. I don't want to kill an innocent."

He moves to sit beside me and I send him a small smile, "My head is so full. So many memories, sort of fuzzy but all so real."

"What do you remember most?"

"Jasper." I breathe. "I remember Jasper." I smile at the memories and then frown, "I remember the pain, the longing. It's in all my memories. I remember searching for him and not knowing I was. Even when I found him, I didn't know he was what I was searching for, I remember pain and loss and so much love."

I blink at the venom in my eyes, "Where is he Carlisle?" I flip through memories of him and find Alice. "Has he left me? Chosen her even as he chose this for me? Could he not be with me and still not let me go?"

"He remembers you." Carlisle sighs, "From his human life." He shakes his head, "He swears you are his wife but it's not possible."

"Vampires are possible Carlisle, can you find no room in that vast mind of yours for reincarnation? For witches and spells and a broken heart that believed one day, somehow she'd find him again?"

Carlisle shakes his head, his brow is furrowed as he watched me, "You are then? His wife?"

I nod, "I was, once." I sigh, "Now he has Alice."

"And you love him? Still?"

"Forever." I tell him, turning my head to look out over the woods, "He's my very soul. Always has been."

Carlisle nods, "He says the same of you."

My head whips around to him, "He loves me?"

"Very much." He assures me, "His memories returned when he bit you. He says you are everything he's been missing, the emptiness in him. We spent a good deal of time the last three days discussing you. He and Edward fought."

"Did Jasper hurt him?"

"No more than he needed to defend himself. Edward was very… displeased, with the way he bit you, with his revelations of your history." I nod, "Are you angry he turned you?"

I shake my head, "He loved me Carlisle. I could no more let him go than he could me." I sigh, "I cursed myself to live, lifetime after lifetime, searching for him. Now I will live forever as he does. I wish to be with him but now I am not his little wife and he is not my Rebel solder, he may not be able to let me go but he may not want me the way he did either."

"I always want ya Darlin." He came from upwind and held up his hands. I gasped when I saw him, so many scars sparkling on his skin, "Don't be afraid."

"Who? How? Why?" My voice nearly cracked, I didn't need to breathe but my chest felt tight. I got up and moved to him, tentatively reaching out a hand and pulling it back before I touched him.

"I would'a walked through hell to get back to ya darling but I became a demon and feared what I'd do to ya. Saw ya once. Just once. Sitting on the front porch. Struggled not to kill my own family around ya and knew I couldn't come nearer, couldn't be with ya. It became my hell. Maria, her wars, the blood and death. I lost myself in it, in the overwhelming emotions of fear and anger around me, anything so I could stop feelin the pain of ya." He shakes himself, "I'll tell ya everything of my past, of what I became my Belle, how deep I had to lock ya away. Now I have you back I ain't ever lettin you go again. I'll destroy anyone tries ta come between us."

"Jasper" I cried and flung into his arms, which opened as soon as I moved and wrapped me in a tight hug.

"No more runnin from me Belle?"

"Oh, but then, how will I get you to catch me?" I whisper back.

He pulls me deeper into his arms, "Now I've caught you what makes you think I'll let you go?"

"I've missed you Reb."

"I've missed you Miss Belle."

"That's Mrs. Whitlock." I sigh, "Well, I suppose not any more." I chuckle bitterly, "Till death did us part."

"Eternity won't ever truly part you from me and it damn well will be Whitlock again if I have anything to say about it."

"Why Major Whitlock, are you saying you'd compromise me?"

"I might, but only with your permission o'course.?"

"I could compromise myself of course but if I've no need to you might just plan on kissing me now."

"Well now Belle, it would be my pleasure, even more so once my ring is back on that pretty finger." I giggled as he leaned down and kissed me deeply.

"Soon?" I asked when he pulled away.

"Well I don't quite have a priest waitin this time round but imagine I can rile one up in a day or two."

"What about Alice?"

"We never married." Jasper shook his head, "I already had a wife. The one I'd promised to love for all eternity, even if she was no longer by my side, even if I pushed her deep inside me so I could forget the feel of losing her, of being a demon who'd never again hold his angel."

"Jasper." I sobbed pulling him into another kiss.

"She understands Belle. She's hurtin but she understands. Says we'll all be ok, had to leave though. Said she and Edward would keep his promise and find your…" Jasper frowned, "Now I think of it, Victoria…"

"My cousin, Vicki." I nodded, "The one and only."

"And James." He sighed and then pulled away, looking down in shame, "I…"

"It's ok Jas, we'll find him again. We'll find him and all four of us will be happy again, together, we'll be together forever then."

"I've done so many things Belle, unspeakable things." He pulled further away, "I'm a true demon."

"No." I pulled him back to me, "You're mine." I told him looking into his eyes, "You're my reb and I love you, all of you. Whatever happened in war, whatever this woman did to you, it's over. We're together and free and that is all that matters, our forever."

He kissed me again and I wanted so much, I wanted all of him. "Come on little Belle, I have a priest to find."

"Jasper." I complained.

He shook his head, "I'll marry you Belle, I'll do this right and then you will never take that ring off again."

"My Major." I grinned at him and kissed him again. "I love you."

"Forever." He whispered against my lips.

"For always." I agreed.

"All eternity." He kissed me again.


End file.
